


Let's Just Pretend

by washmymouthout



Category: Naruto
Genre: Depression, F/M, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Pining, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 08:49:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15336240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/washmymouthout/pseuds/washmymouthout
Summary: Kakashi feels like a lamb being led to the slaughter, except he’s not innocent, and he knows that there is no escape. He is only a man. He can deny her nothing.





	Let's Just Pretend

Kakashi is a watcher. 

His entire life he’s watched people, seeing the world go on without him, as a bystander. Hidden by a book that he copied to his memory the first day it was given to him by Jiraiya-sama as a gift. People tend to forget that he’s always paying attention, even if his eyes aren’t on them and his nose is buried in a book, he’s always listening. They think he’s lazy and distracted, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

She’s accused him of not seeing her, of focusing on Sasuke and Naruto too much. She’s accused him of leaving her behind and not caring about her growth as a shinobi. She’s accused him of being a dirty old man. He’s never fought her on any of those things. Not because they’re true, oh, no, because he simply doesn’t know how. Letting her know how ashamed he feels at not giving her what she deserved would be giving away too much of himself. He has to keep this to himself. This is for him to carry alone. 

He’s always focused on her, although she doesn’t notice. Hyperaware of her breathing, of her scent, of her heartbeat. 

Sakura stands in front of him, angry that he’s not listening to her. 

“I heard you.” He says, not lowering Icha Icha. 

“What did I say then?” She fumes, fists clenched, and stamping her foot. 

“You want to know if you can stop by tonight.” 

“So, then? Can I or not? I don’t get off until late, maybe midnight.”

He entertains the thought of saying no to this frightening, heartbreaker of a girl before him. 

“Yes.”

As long as she still wants him, he will never say no. 

And as much as it chips away at his heart every time he watches her leave, he’s drawn to her anyway, like a moth to a flame. He gives into her to fill a need within himself, self-indulgent and greedy, like a child. 

 

(break)

 

A seventeen-year-old Sakura pulled his mask down and kissed Kakashi on the mouth and he couldn’t turn away, couldn’t resist, couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe– 

(picking her up and taking her to bed is the worst thing he’s ever done)

Her embrace was stronger than his resolve to keep her pure. 

 

(break)

 

The waiting is what breaks him down. 

The anticipation that in a few short hours he’s going to be inside the only place that gives him comfort erases any doubt in his mind that he should turn her away. Anyone could tell him that what he does with his former student is wrong, he knows that, deep down in the parts of him that are the ugliest. 

His body has been starved, denied of the pleasures of another’s embrace for so long, he finds it hard to be rational. 

At twelve sharp there’s a knock on his door and he can smell her through the door. Flowers and antiseptic that is so undeniably her. Something tells him not to open it, but his feet propel him forward and his hands take control and let her inside. He focuses on her feet at first, afraid of what he’ll see when he looks at her beautiful face. When he does Sakura smiles, looking sly, like she’s doing something she knows her parents told her not to, but she’s doing it anyway. 

He can’t move. 

He’s terrified like he never is on missions, willing himself to slam the door on her and forbid her from ever coming back. 

“Come on, Kaka-sensei.” Sakura taunts. “I thought about you all day.” 

Kakashi feels like a lamb being led to the slaughter, except he’s not innocent, and he knows that there is no escape.

He is only a man. 

He can deny her nothing. 

He lets her guide him to his bedroom. 

The lights stay off. 

 

(break)

 

“Kakashi-sensei, why don’t you get a girlfriend or something? You always seem so lonely.” Naruto casually says in between slurps of ramen.

The original Team 7 meets for lunch at Ichiraku every Sunday as a tradition. To honor Sasuke, or to satisfy Naruto’s constant craving, Kakashi isn’t quite sure. He usually loves having Naruto around as a buffer when Sakura’s there, but today he's frustrating. 

“Yeah, sensei. That sounds like a good idea.” Sakura agrees, looking at him expectantly, batting her eyelashes. 

Kakashi looks down at his steaming ramen. He’s not hungry anymore. 

“You guys know I don’t have time for things like that.” He decides to say, crinkling his eyes, and rubbing the back of his neck. 

“I could ask Nanami at the hospital if she wants to go out with you.” She’s smiling, silently laughing at the pain she has to know she’s putting him through. “She’s really pretty, just your type.” 

Kakashi swallows, forcing himself to remain calm. “Nah, I’m busy enough with you kids as it is.” 

“Whatever you say, Kakashi-sensei.” Naruto says, waving his chopsticks in dismissal.

Sakura beams at him, silently daring him to say what's really on his mind.

His eye twinges.

 

(break)

 

Thirteen-year-old Sakura reminded Kakashi too much of Rin for him to want to be around her at that age. 

Reeling from Obito’s death (Sasuke abandoning their team), Rin threw herself into her work and into medicine (Sakura turning into a medic-nin) and leaned on Kakashi too much, especially when he was too fucked up to help himself. She wanted emotions and love from him that he just couldn’t return, and isn’t it funny that his insides beg for those same things now. 

Kakashi didn’t know how to deal with Rin, wasn’t equipped at that age to deal with her, and remained emotionally stunted by their grief even after her death. 

He killed Rin, can remember his fist bursting through her chest like it was only yesterday, and he was so afraid and naïve that he thought he was saving Sakura from the same fate. His body may have continued to grow, but his ability to accept the consequences of his actions did not, even into his twenties. 

Letting Tsunade take over Sakura’s training was what he thought was best. In the end, it was for her, but he damned himself in the process. She turned into a magnificent shinobi, incredibly smart and inhumanly strong. He proved to her that she didn’t need him to flourish. He thought he knew what was best for her. 

If only he had known that by letting Sakura think he was ignoring her it would unleash hell unto himself. 

Sasuke could never come home to her because Sasuke was dead now, and Kakashi knows, he fucking _knows_ that he’s a sad replacement for her. Another former Sharingan-holder that was as dark and mysterious as her Sasuke. Enough to fill the void, but not enough to ever get attached. 

She sought him out in immature grief that he didn’t turn away because he was mourning his student and when she got a taste of him, his inability to ever say he was sorry for letting her down, she took hold of it and molded him to her will. 

Sakura takes what she thinks he owes her, for not paying attention to her and for not bringing Sasuke back alive. 

This is his penance. 

His intent was never to fall in love with her. 

 

(break)

 

Kakashi goes and gets drunk on a Saturday night like a moron with Guy and Genma. 

He hadn’t wanted to go, but Guy decided that it had been far too long since they had gotten together to just sit around and shoot the shit. Shot after shot Kakashi matches them, even though he hasn’t gotten drunk in years. 

It’s hard for him to keep up with Guy and Genma’s conversation. His thoughts keep treading back to his pink-haired former student, and all he can see is her face. He talks to them when he’s asked questions or his opinion on certain things, but he can’t focus. 

“Man, what has gotten you so down?” Genma says to him, nursing a beer in between rounds. “I haven’t seen you like this in twenty years.”

“Nothing.” He replies, swallowing a hiccup. It’s getting harder to hold his head up. 

“It doesn’t seem like nothing.” Guy says, and he looks concerned, which surprises Kakashi for some reason. 

“We’re your old friends, you can say whatever you need to, no judgement, you know that.” Genma’s face is so honest, so true that something inside of him breaks. 

“She’s never going to want more. Our relationship isn’t going anywhere.” Kakashi reveals, voice wavering, surprised at himself for saying it out loud. 

Guy begins to cry, dabbing at his cheeks with a napkin. “I’m so sorry my dear rival. Love is a cruel mistress and she does not discriminate. Even the toughest shinobi get caught in her unwavering grasp.” 

This does not help him. Too exhausted to even respond he lets his head fall into his hands, elbows resting on the tabletop. They continue conversation uncomfortably around him and don’t ask any more questions. 

Kakashi smells her before he hears her, and if he was anyone else he’d probably be crying. There isn’t anywhere that he can escape her. 

“What’s wrong with him?” Sakura asks the other men as she, Ino, and Hinata approach their table. 

“Did something happen?” Hinata also asks, sounding noticeably more worried than Sakura. 

“Ah, Kakashi is experiencing heartbreak, girls. It happens to the best of us!” Guy proclaims, patting Kakashi on the back. 

Kakashi raises his head to look at Sakura, red-eyed and wasted, and she looks so fucking beautiful. Her hair is long and curled, stopping just after her breasts, with dark makeup around her eyes. She’s wearing a short, red dress with cap sleeves and a high neckline, and her body looks incredible, even in the dim light of the bar. He’s so absolutely taken with her he could die. 

“Poor Kakashi-sensei.” Ino sing-songs. “Who knew a man like him could get upset over a girl.”

Sakura’s purposely avoiding looking at him, staring over his head at Guy. He knows what she’ll see when she looks into his eyes. He’s so drunk he doesn’t even know how to hide it from her. When she finally does, something clicks, and her eyes widen, lush lips parting in a gasp ever so slightly in realization. The smallest of inhales that anyone but he could miss. She recovers easily, smiling at Guy and Genma before grabbing Ino’s arm and pulling. 

“Let’s go. We don’t want to embarrass him.” Sakura says to Ino and Hinata, walking back to the bar without waiting for them and immediately talking to the man next to her. 

He doesn’t cry as she leaves, but he knows this feeling, this aching in his throat and stinging of his eyes. His body begging for a release. 

He wishes he could. 

Genma orders another round of shots and they have to carry him home by the end of the night.

 

(break)

 

Kakashi doesn’t see Sakura for two weeks after their encounter. 

He wants to apologize for letting her see him that way.

He wants to deny what she saw in his eyes that night if it means she’ll come back. 

He wants and wants and wants and wants.

 

(break)

 

There’s a knock on his door that wakes him from a restless nap. He doesn’t move, and he doesn’t have to because she lets herself in. 

Sakura’s quiet as she tip-toes through his entryway and finds him on his couch. Removing his book from his chest, she sinks down quietly next to him. He opens his right eye to look at her, illuminated by the moonlight from his half-open window. His fingers itch to touch her, to grab her and show her what she means to him. 

“Take me to bed, sensei.” She says, resting her head to hear his heartbeat. He’s sure she can hear it pounding relentlessly.

He wets his lips, mouth dry beneath his mask. 

“Come on, you know you want to fuck me.” She says it playfully as a challenge, knowing he won’t hold back much longer. 

Startled by the jolt to his groin, he clutches onto her waist. His head shakes on its own. 

“I want to make love to you.” He whispers into the stillness, like a secret, because it is; it’s come straight from the black pit of his soul. 

Sakura startles, looking up from his chest. It’s rare to see her rattled in this way, like she didn’t ever expect him to voice his wants or needs aloud, even though she knows – she saw his reaction at the bar. Everything she does is calculated, from her smiles to her anger, and this was never part of her plan. This was supposed to be no strings attached. They’ve never talked like this when they’re intimately entwined. 

She’s cruel to him in this moment, more so than any other. 

“Kakashi, you know what this is.” She sighs, voice like honey that trickles down the back of his throat, strangling him like poison. 

Kakashi feels raw and pulled open, like his strings are out for her to see. He’s put it out there now, his feelings, and he can’t take them back now that she’s recoiling from him. He doesn’t know what else he could have expected from her, so he doesn’t push her any further. 

Indeed, he does know their arrangement. It doesn’t stop him from wishing it wasn’t so. 

Sakura straddles him and pulls down his mask, and he is lost. 

 

(break)

 

“Do you want to go get something to eat? Something should still be open.” Kakashi asks as Sakura puts on her bra, facing away from him on the other side of his bed. 

He’s never done this before. He feels foolish now that he’s said it. His heart pounds and he fucking knows her answer, god damnit. 

She’s quiet, and that’s never a good sign, before she answers him. 

“No, sensei. I have to get home. I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

Somewhere in the stupidest, most childish part of him, he wants to beg her to stay. His mouth opens and he almost spills his guts right onto the floor before he can think better of it and close it.

_Please stay. Please. I don’t sleep when you’re gone, and when I’m with you I don’t feel as empty. I’ll give you what you need. I can be enough for you. I don’t care what it takes to keep you – just tell me what it is, and I’ll do it. I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you. Please, I love you._

Sakura kisses him gently, running her fingers through his hair, before leaving his apartment. 

 

(break)

 

Kakashi dreams of children with pink hair and brown eyes, and when he wakes his left eye is leaking tears steadily down his face. 

One day she’s going to decide that he’s not enough for her, but he won’t fight her. 

He never learned how to.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy, oh boy. Idk where this came from. Thanks for reading!


End file.
